Eugene's Funnies

The Genie’s Office Politics A sales rep, an admin assistant, and their manager were on their way to lunch when they stumbled upon an old lamp. They rubbed it, and—poof!—a genie appeared, offering one wish each. The admin assistant jumped in first: “I want to be in the Maldives, sipping cocktails on a yacht!” Poof! She was gone. The sales rep eagerly followed: “I want to be in Bora Bora, relaxing on a beach with no work emails!” Poof! He disappeared. Finally, the manager said, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Moral of the story: Always let your boss speak first—it might save you from an abrupt return to reality.

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness and admitted that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."    A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before. "Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?" "Of course, I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He s...

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community... If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rab...

A Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Meaning, Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.  The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Meaning Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.  The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.  They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".  The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,  "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then...

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that s not all..." "Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out." "Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.   2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.   3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source.  Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.   4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.   5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.   6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.   7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.   8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.   9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate Engl...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.   Don't get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.   I used to come here all the time with my ex.   I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.   Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.   I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.   It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Doesn’t practice all week, but expects to start on game day. Gets upset when every ball that’s hit doesn’t come directly to him. Never swings at a pitch because, “this pitcher doesn’t throw like the last pitcher. The game’s just not the same since he left.” Wants to run home before going to first base. Chatters in order to keep his own teammates from hitting the ball. Doesn’t come to the game unless the coach personally calls him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up. Won’t run after the ball if it’s more than three feet away. After all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later. Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his teammates backs. Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn’t have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to talk about the catcher. Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand will be closed be...

Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong. Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing? Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers In Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right To Sing The Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady Is A Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Joshua: "Good Vibrations" Peter: "I'm Sorry" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Shadrach, Meshach, And Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon A Star" Jonah: "Got A Whale Of A Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, And Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

The Dentist's Hymn ... Crown Him With Many Crowns The Weatherman's Hymn ... There Shall Be Showers Of Blessing The Contractor's Hymn ... The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn ... Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn ... There Is A Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn ... Standing On The Promises The Optometrist's Hymn ... Open My Eyes That I May See The IRS Agent's Hymn ... I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn ... Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn ... Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn ... In The Sweet By and By The Realtor's Hymn ... I've Got A Mansion Just Over The Hilltop The Pilot's Hymn ... I'll Fly Away The Paramedic's Hymn ... Revive Us Again The Judge's Hymn ... Almost Persuaded The Psychiatrist's Hymn ... Just A Little Talk With Jesus The Architect's Hymn ... How Firm A Foundation The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn ... A Charge To Ke...

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that s not all..." "Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out." "Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"

Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen? I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! If I bend over, will I still get a ticket? No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece. Want to race to the station, Sparky? I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! On the way to the station let's get a six pack. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo! Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! No, YOU assume the position.

T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It`s hard to type with paws) 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. Carpal Paw Syndrome. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you`ve got mail'. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits. Fetch command not available on all platforms. Can`t stick his head out of Windows 98.

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside! Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins. Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed & a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets." When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays." The church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one! A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed." People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. God so loved the world that he did no...

Discovering one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Levine stopped to gently scold the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

These are actual news stories from 1992, compiled by Bill Mandel of the San Francisco Examiner: A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window. One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million Lotto winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state. A women in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for putting her garbage cans out too early. A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw macaroni salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire. At the hospital, the wounded bride insisted on checking in under her new married name. An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed, was not calling enough fouls against the visiting team. Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several cars taken in for brake repair cam...

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Osama Bin Lucifer, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ… The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy. However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They all have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.' Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Insist that your e-mail address be xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the break ...