Showing posts from May, 2021

Bin Workin

ALERT** NOTICE***WARNING*** We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

So You Want A Day Off

Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

Rejection Lines

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I&#

Time Wasting

TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING ] It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Explanation 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Di

Women's Compact Instruction Book

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men -- so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they put a man on the moon -- Why can't we put them all there? Tell him you're not his type -- you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. Love is blind, but marriage is a