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12 Things NOT to Say if Pulled Over

Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen? I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! If I bend over, will I still get a ticket? No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece. Want to race to the station, Sparky? I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! On the way to the station let's get a six pack. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo! Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! No, YOU assume the position.

10 reasons why a dog doesn`t use a computer!

T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It`s hard to type with paws) 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. Carpal Paw Syndrome. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you`ve got mail'. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits. Fetch command not available on all platforms. Can`t stick his head out of Windows 98.

Real Signs On Church Property

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside! Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins. Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed & a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets." When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays." The church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one! A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed." People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. God so loved the world that he did no

Fair Warning

Discovering one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Levine stopped to gently scold the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

1992 News Headlines

These are actual news stories from 1992, compiled by Bill Mandel of the San Francisco Examiner: A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window. One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million Lotto winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state. A women in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for putting her garbage cans out too early. A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw macaroni salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire. At the hospital, the wounded bride insisted on checking in under her new married name. An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed, was not calling enough fouls against the visiting team. Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several cars taken in for brake repair cam

Bin Prayin

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Osama Bin Lucifer, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ… The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy. However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They all have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return.

To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity and Drive Other People Insane...

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.' Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Insist that your e-mail address be xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the break