Showing posts from August, 2011

Husband and Wifes Diary

WIFE'S DIARY: Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, w

A Birthday Present

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Morris, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much!"

Office Toilet Policy

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established which will provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff members will be issued twenty toilet trip tickets which may be accumulated. All toilet doors will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. All staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once an employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the toilet doors will not unlock for the employee's voice until the 1st of the month. Additionally, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. Should the toilet be occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will automatically open. If the toilet remains occupied,

Rules For The Bosses

1. Don't ever give me work in the morning. Always wait until at least 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes or so to inquire how it's going. That really does help. Better yet, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without letting anyone know where you're going. It gives me the opportunity to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training should I ever be injured and lose all of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't specify which is priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere else to go or anything else to do. I have no life beyond work. 7

Baby Names

PROFESSION........................NAME Lawyer's daughter.................Sue Thief's son.......................Rob Lawyer's son......................Will Doctor 's son.....................Bill Meteorologist's daughter..........Haley Steam shovel operator's son.......Doug Hair stylist's son................Bob Homeopathic doctor's son..........Herb Justice of the peace's daughter...Mary Sound stage technician's son......Mike Hot-dog vendor's son..............Frank Gambler's daughter................Bette Exercise guru's son...............Jim Cattle thief's son................Russell Painter's son.....................Art Iron worker's son.................Rusty TV show star's daughter...........Emmy Movie star's son..................Oscar Barber's son......................Harry Housewife's son ..................Dusty Minister's daughter ..............Faith Day-trader's daughter

What Men Really Mean

"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works." "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?" "I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELS

Physics 101

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions :------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment) 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million-million

Church Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during theinvitation. Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship. Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime". Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest orfell

My Dear Bank Manager,

My Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment,