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Showing posts from December, 2011

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go aheadand give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor andmodel for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY:Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waitingfor me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancingeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watchingthe skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after myworkout t

Lexophiles

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. 15. A calendar's days are numbered. 16. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 17. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 18. Th

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV WHEN...

~ you've removed the power button from the remote. ~ you know the names of the top 10 lawn bowlers. - you recite the lines word for word with the actors on TV Land. ~ you start recording soap operas so you don't miss any of the plot. ~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is "shh, be quiet!" ~ commercials become more important than going to the bathroom. ~ you start recognizing extras in movies. ~ you continue to watch TV when the cable goes out. ~ you enjoy other climates by watching the snow on TV. ~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters. ~ your monthly cable/satellite bill is larger than your house payment. ~ you send fan mail to infomercial stars.

"If it" Office Advice

If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly. If it clanks, call the repairman. If it whistles, ignore it. If it is a friend, take a break. If it is the boss, look busy. If it talks, take notes. If it is handwritten, type it. If it is typed, copy it. If it is copied, file it. If it is Friday, forget it!

Bears

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be. The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter." The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?" The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly." The motel room was quite nice.

New Versions of Old Songs

Some of the artists of the '60s & '70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include: Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone Abba - Denture Queen Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To And Last but NOT least... Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again

Corrections

- It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day. - In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter. - There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting. - Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred. - Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon." - Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police farce. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

Humourous Thoughts

~ A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer. ~ All general statements are false, except this one. ~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power. ~ An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. ~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I'm going to choke it. ~ Bad decisions make good stories. ~ Bald spot? No, that's a solar panel for brain power. ~ Beware of the letter 'G'! It is the end of everything! ~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round? ~ By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them. ~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. ~ Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worth it. ~ Diagnostic: Someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods. ~ Don't you hate it when people can't sphel? ~ End procrastination ... tomorrow! ~ Every