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Showing posts from October, 2012

Childrens sermon

Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children's sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, "May I have all of the children?" As the children walked forward, several parents responded, "Yes." One quick-witted father asked, "For how long?"

Last Time This Happened

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?" Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over th

WHAT KIDS HEAR

** The Rosary ** From Groton, MA: My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes." ** Pledge of Allegiance ** Covina, CA: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, OH: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag ... and to the republic for Richard Stands." ** Hymns ** Schenectady, NY: I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear." Lake Forest Park, WA: When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up." ** The Creed ** Tampa, FL: When my

Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." ... The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husban

Types of people on Facebook

1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day. 2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public. 3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything. 4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO r eason 5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.) 6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates. 7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff. 8) The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore. 9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "l