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Showing posts from April, 2017

Need A Job

A yellow Labrador walks into a job referral agency and asks if they have any openings for him. After the receptionist picks herself up off the floor, she asks the dog to come back in an hour. The dog agrees and walks out. As soon as the dog leaves she calls the circus and asks if they can use a talking dog. "Of course," says the owner, "send him down." An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus. To which the dog replies, "What does the circus want with a carpenter?"

Addicted to coffee

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate.

Resourceful Computer Users

Computers will never be completely "Idiot Proof" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful. The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street journal article: Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5.1/4") diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labelled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrive

The Farmers Son

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

Time Wasting

TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Explanation 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker W

The Art Thief

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.   However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.   When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Term Paper

There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an "A" grade, "B" grade and "C" grade. A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for an inconspicuous "C." He retyped it and handed the work in. In due course he received it back with the professor's comments "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an 'A' and now I am glad to give it one!"

A Sheriff or a Vet?

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Pay Day

A man was very excited when he saw the text message on his phone, "Salary credited to your bank account." Jumping for joy, he rushed towards his car to go out shopping. As soon he opened the door of the car, he received another message, "Car loan debited from bank account." He closed the door of the car and decided to take a taxi. As he halted a taxi, he got another message, "Credit card payment made." He changed his mind again and started walking towards a local mall. As he entered the mall, he got yet another text, "Please maintain minimum balance in your bank account." He turned around and started walking back home.

The Flat Tire

There were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's." These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go to a party with some friends.   So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.   Aldric thought this over and agreed that they c

What's Politics?

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. "I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny -we'll consider her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.  Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He g