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Showing posts from March, 2010

Bin Prayin

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Osama Bin Lucifer, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy. However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return. Which cell group do you belong to? A

Bin Workin

Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office. Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Behind-Kissin have all been taken into custody. At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office. We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time

Classified Ads

The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers: ________________ FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ------------------------------ FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG ------------------------------ GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. ----------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. ------------------------------ SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ------------------------------- 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 ------------------------------ TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $68

JOB DESCRIPTION FOR MUMS:

Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than

26 Signs that you've already grown up

a. Your potted plants stay alive. b. Having sex in a single bed is absurd. c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. e. You hear your favourite song on an elevator. f. You carry an umbrella and you watch the Weather Channel. g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. l. You don't know what time Burger King closes anymore. m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. n. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonald's. o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. r. MTV News

A Mothers' Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. BOTTLE: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. to do the FEEDING DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside. DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY: The art of spacing your children the proper PLANNING distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. LOOK O

Violin

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"