Showing posts from September, 2012

Is windows a virus

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following. 1. Viruses replicate quickly. Windows does this. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Windows does this. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Windows does this. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Windows does that too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Same with Windows, yet again. Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Dear ...

Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it." Just saying... Sincerely, Google Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Sincerely, God Dear Batman, What was your power again? Sincerely, Superman Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish soldiers invaded our country and we got a little busy, OK? Sincerely, The Mayans

CD Player

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal." "In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."

White Coats

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand were chasing her, and a little old man was bringing up the rear.  One of the golfers asked the old man, " What the hell is going on?"  The old guy said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and we attendants are trying to catch her."  The golfer said, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"  The old guy said, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time." 

What Women Want In Men

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover   Revised List (age 32): 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week   Revised List (age 42): 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with sc

Chemistry Paper

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions

Mother Superior

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little bit more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass. "Mother", the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, 'DON'T SELL THAT COW'!

Mr Gorsky

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.  His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.  But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."  Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.  Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.  On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.  Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.  In 1938 When H

Little Known Chocolate titbits

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet. The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of

Biggest Lies

3 Biggest Software Lies: - The program's fully tested and bugfree. - We're working on the documentation. - Of course we can modify it. 3 Biggest Computer Room Lies: - As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files. - We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door. - The new machines on order. 3 Biggest Large Company Lies: - We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. - People are our greatest resource. - We say 'let the marketplace decide'. 3 Biggest Small Company Lies: - We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. - The boss is just one of the guys. - Staying small is a conscious decision. 3 Biggest Marketing Lies: - Immediate delivery?...No problem. - We treat every customer as if they were our most important. - We're going out to lunch to talk business. 3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies: - Some day this course will come in handy. - These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.

landlord complaints

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters: 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 11. I request permission to remove

men v women (bit sexist)

Man Discovered Colours And Invented PAINT, Woman Discovered PAINT And Invented MAKE-UP. Man Discovered WORDS And Invented CONVERSATION, Woman Discovered CONVERSATION And Invented GOSSIP. Man Discovered Games And Invented PLAYING CARDS, Woman Discovered PLAYING CARDS And Invented TAROT. Man Discovered AGRICULTURE And Invented FOOD, Woman Discovered FOOD And Invented The DIET. Man Discovered EMOTIONS And Invented LOVE, Woman Discovered LOVE And Invented MARRIAGE Man Discovered WOMAN And Invented SEX, Woman Discovered SEX And Invented The HEADACHE. Man Discovered TRADE And Invented MONEY, Woman Discovered MONEY And That Put An End To Everything...