Eugene's Funnies

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that s not all..." "Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out." "Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.   2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.   3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source.  Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.   4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.   5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.   6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.   7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.   8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.   9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate Engl...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.   Don't get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.   I used to come here all the time with my ex.   I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.   Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.   I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.   It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Doesn’t practice all week, but expects to start on game day. Gets upset when every ball that’s hit doesn’t come directly to him. Never swings at a pitch because, “this pitcher doesn’t throw like the last pitcher. The game’s just not the same since he left.” Wants to run home before going to first base. Chatters in order to keep his own teammates from hitting the ball. Doesn’t come to the game unless the coach personally calls him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up. Won’t run after the ball if it’s more than three feet away. After all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later. Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his teammates backs. Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn’t have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to talk about the catcher. Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand will be closed be...

Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong. Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing? Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers In Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right To Sing The Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady Is A Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Joshua: "Good Vibrations" Peter: "I'm Sorry" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Shadrach, Meshach, And Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon A Star" Jonah: "Got A Whale Of A Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, And Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"