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Showing posts from 2011

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go aheadand give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor andmodel for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY:Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waitingfor me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancingeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watchingthe skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after myworkout t

Lexophiles

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. 15. A calendar's days are numbered. 16. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 17. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 18. Th

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV WHEN...

~ you've removed the power button from the remote. ~ you know the names of the top 10 lawn bowlers. - you recite the lines word for word with the actors on TV Land. ~ you start recording soap operas so you don't miss any of the plot. ~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is "shh, be quiet!" ~ commercials become more important than going to the bathroom. ~ you start recognizing extras in movies. ~ you continue to watch TV when the cable goes out. ~ you enjoy other climates by watching the snow on TV. ~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters. ~ your monthly cable/satellite bill is larger than your house payment. ~ you send fan mail to infomercial stars.

"If it" Office Advice

If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly. If it clanks, call the repairman. If it whistles, ignore it. If it is a friend, take a break. If it is the boss, look busy. If it talks, take notes. If it is handwritten, type it. If it is typed, copy it. If it is copied, file it. If it is Friday, forget it!

Bears

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be. The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter." The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?" The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly." The motel room was quite nice.

New Versions of Old Songs

Some of the artists of the '60s & '70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include: Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone Abba - Denture Queen Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To And Last but NOT least... Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again

Corrections

- It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day. - In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter. - There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting. - Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred. - Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon." - Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police farce. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

Humourous Thoughts

~ A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer. ~ All general statements are false, except this one. ~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power. ~ An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. ~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I'm going to choke it. ~ Bad decisions make good stories. ~ Bald spot? No, that's a solar panel for brain power. ~ Beware of the letter 'G'! It is the end of everything! ~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round? ~ By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them. ~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. ~ Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worth it. ~ Diagnostic: Someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods. ~ Don't you hate it when people can't sphel? ~ End procrastination ... tomorrow! ~ Every

How to mess up a job interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: - "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." - "She used an iPod and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." - "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." - "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." - "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded

Husband and Wifes Diary

WIFE'S DIARY: Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, w

A Birthday Present

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Morris, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much!"

Office Toilet Policy

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established which will provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff members will be issued twenty toilet trip tickets which may be accumulated. All toilet doors will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. All staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once an employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the toilet doors will not unlock for the employee's voice until the 1st of the month. Additionally, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. Should the toilet be occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will automatically open. If the toilet remains occupied,

Rules For The Bosses

1. Don't ever give me work in the morning. Always wait until at least 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes or so to inquire how it's going. That really does help. Better yet, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without letting anyone know where you're going. It gives me the opportunity to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training should I ever be injured and lose all of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't specify which is priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere else to go or anything else to do. I have no life beyond work. 7

Baby Names

PROFESSION........................NAME Lawyer's daughter.................Sue Thief's son.......................Rob Lawyer's son......................Will Doctor 's son.....................Bill Meteorologist's daughter..........Haley Steam shovel operator's son.......Doug Hair stylist's son................Bob Homeopathic doctor's son..........Herb Justice of the peace's daughter...Mary Sound stage technician's son......Mike Hot-dog vendor's son..............Frank Gambler's daughter................Bette Exercise guru's son...............Jim Cattle thief's son................Russell Painter's son.....................Art Iron worker's son.................Rusty TV show star's daughter...........Emmy Movie star's son..................Oscar Barber's son......................Harry Housewife's son ..................Dusty Minister's daughter ..............Faith Day-trader's daughter

What Men Really Mean

"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works." "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?" "I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELS

Physics 101

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions :------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment) 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million-million

Church Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during theinvitation. Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship. Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime". Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest orfell

My Dear Bank Manager,

My Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment,

5 star restaurant

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan

USEFUL PHRASES TO USE AT WORK

I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. Who me? I just wander from room to room.