Showing posts from 2019


1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Counting on You

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Speak Nicely to Santa Claus

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?" The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ swingset." Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?" The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ sandbox for the side yard." Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?" The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a $*#%@#$ trampoline in the front yard." Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the tra

Car Names Explained

Audi Always Unsafe Designs Implemented BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Bimbette Motor Weapon Break My Window Buick Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer Chevrolet Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology Dodge Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere Dead or Dying Gas Eater Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express Fiat Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony! Ford First On Recall Day First On Race Day First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fault Of R&D Fast Only Rolling Downhill Features O.J. and Ron's DNA Found On Russian Dump GM General Maintenance Great Mistake GMC Garage Man's Companion Got A Mechanic Coming? Honda Had One

Computers / Life

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you loose your car keys, click on find. "Help" with the chores is just a click away. Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash. And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

The Haircut

The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. "Give me the full treatment," the man said. "I want to look good in the parade!" After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about ." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

US Army Official Voice Mail Message

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory 'Consideration Of Others' training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers: If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps. If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring

Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to 3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper." 4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 6. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 7. "Actually I was doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan'(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend." 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?" 9. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 10. "The coffee machine is broke...." 11. "Someone must've put dec

Bin Workin

ALERT** NOTICE***WARNING*** We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

Child Support Form Statements

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details: These are 'genuine' excerpts from the forms. 01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 04. I don't know the identity of the father of my d

Computer Expert's Glossary

ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." BUG: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. CACHE: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. DESIGN: What you regret not doing later on. DOCUMENTATION: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons. ECONOMIES OF SCALE: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those limitations. HARDWARE:

So You Want a Day Off

Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!