Eugene's Funnies

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. 2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot beresolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. 3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hookit to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed withwater. 4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. 5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. 6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. 7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. 8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. 9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't

Chapter 1 1 In the beginning God created Dates. 2 And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC. 3 And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do. 4 And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Pithecanthropus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day. 5 And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not too deep. 6 And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that. 7 And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday 8 And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear;

Human Resources Director went to heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules". And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends, fellow executives that she had worked with and they we

ALERT** NOTICE***WARNING*** We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I&#

TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING ] It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Explanation 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Di

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men -- so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they put a man on the moon -- Why can't we put them all there? Tell him you're not his type -- you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. Love is blind, but marriage is a

Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days 1. Well, aren't we just a ray of @#$%-ing sunshine? 2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 4. Do I look like a @#$%-ing people person? 5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 7. You! Off my planet!! 8. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 9. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. 10. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. 11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. 14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 15. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 17. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 18. I'm just wor

"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were

Customer: "Excuse me, do you know where the thingamabobers are?" Employee: "Yea, by the whatchamacallits on aisle 6." Customer: "Do you carry Ink Eradicators? All of the other places do." Employee: "I think so. I saw 'em by the Ink Accelerators on aisle 4." Customer: "Wheres the thin plastic strips with sticky stuff on the back that you stick things to other things with?" Employee: "Hmm... that's a tough one... The closest we have is tape." Customer: "Can you help me find something?" Employee: "Nope! I'm going to stand here and laugh at you a bit more..." Customer: "Excuse me. Do you work here?" Employee: "Oh... Sorry. I just dress up like this five days a week because I like messing with people's minds..." Customer: "Excuse me. Do you look like you work here?" Employee: "(no comment)" Customer: Do you work here? Employee: Only when th

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. It's only unethical if you get caught. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. We put the "k" in "kwality" If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity! A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?" If at first you don't succeed, try management. At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens. Never quit until you have another job.

You're only lending your soul, not selling it. You won't be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten. Trying on a different personality at each new job site. You don't have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers' weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children's school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts. No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them. You can avoid the internal "war." I once temped at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn't even speak with the other... it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps. Your true Pointy-Haired Boss is usually miles away...and the "customer" PHB can (often) be ignored. Overtime at time and a half! Woo-Hoo! Leaving at 4:30. Eight Words: "It was like that when I got here." You get to hear the words, "Good job" and, 'Please stay