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Showing posts from 2010

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or Boyfriend along shopping This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford : Dear Mrs. Murray, Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is Considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your Husband stops his antics. Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our Surveillance cameras: 1. June 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's Trolleys when they weren't looking. 2. July 2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute Intervals. 3. July 7th: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine Products aisle. 4. July 19th: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened. 5. August 14th: Moved a 'CAUTIO

A "Who Done It"

This s a story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Sign From Above

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself. BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber co

NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY * SICKNESS No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. * AN OPERATION We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. * DEATH 1. Other than your own, this is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your

Sick Leave Excuses

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

The Down Side Of Cubicles

Being told to "Think outside the box"' when I'm in the dang box all day? Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire. That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right. Women: Darn near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. 23 power cords, 1 outlet. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds. When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me. Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Cup Holder

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '24X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!"

Bin Prayin

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Osama Bin Lucifer, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy. However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return. Which cell group do you belong to? A

Bin Workin

Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office. Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Behind-Kissin have all been taken into custody. At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office. We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time

Classified Ads

The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers: ________________ FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ------------------------------ FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG ------------------------------ GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. ----------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. ------------------------------ SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ------------------------------- 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 ------------------------------ TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $68

JOB DESCRIPTION FOR MUMS:

Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than

26 Signs that you've already grown up

a. Your potted plants stay alive. b. Having sex in a single bed is absurd. c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. e. You hear your favourite song on an elevator. f. You carry an umbrella and you watch the Weather Channel. g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. l. You don't know what time Burger King closes anymore. m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. n. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonald's. o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. r. MTV News

A Mothers' Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. BOTTLE: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. to do the FEEDING DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside. DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY: The art of spacing your children the proper PLANNING distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. LOOK O

Violin

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"