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12 Things NOT to Say if Pulled Over

Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen? I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! If I bend over, will I still get a ticket? No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece. Want to race to the station, Sparky? I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! On the way to the station let's get a six pack. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo! Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! No, YOU assume the position.

10 reasons why a dog doesn`t use a computer!

T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It`s hard to type with paws) 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. Carpal Paw Syndrome. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you`ve got mail'. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits. Fetch command not available on all platforms. Can`t stick his head out of Windows 98.

Real Signs On Church Property

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside! Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins. Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed & a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets." When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays." The church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one! A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed." People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. God so loved the world that he did no

Fair Warning

Discovering one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Levine stopped to gently scold the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

1992 News Headlines

These are actual news stories from 1992, compiled by Bill Mandel of the San Francisco Examiner: A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window. One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million Lotto winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state. A women in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for putting her garbage cans out too early. A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw macaroni salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire. At the hospital, the wounded bride insisted on checking in under her new married name. An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed, was not calling enough fouls against the visiting team. Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several cars taken in for brake repair cam

Bin Prayin

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Osama Bin Lucifer, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ… The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy. However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They all have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return.

To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity and Drive Other People Insane...

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.' Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Insist that your e-mail address be xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the break

Irish Dating Ads

How can you possibly not love the Irish? "Personal ads" in the Dublin News Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. ------------------------------------------------------ Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exits in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. ----------------------------------------------------- Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. ------------------------------------------------------ Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old ******, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest. -------------------------------------

Ali G Driving Tips

"I as been driving since I was 12, but recently me desided to get a real driving lisence. However, when I went for a lesson, this ponce sat in me car and tried to make me drive like a batty man. Don't worrie, I gave im a one inch punch like Bruse Lee, but because of this, I as decided to pass on me driving knowlage to all ya massive for free. Read through me tips and than you is ready for even long trips (like down to McDonnalds). Wicked". ALI G'S DRIVING TIPS Tip 1 - Make sure your car is safe. You is gonna lose marks if ya car is a wreck. May I suggest you get an MOT first (me mate Dave will sell ya one for 20 squids - just tell im Ali said). Also, make sure all 8 of ya speakers is workin' at there best (be carefull that the clutch pedel don't damage that 20" bass bin). Tinted windows and UV lights may also win you marks wid de instructer. Tip 2 - Make sure its safe for you to drive its a well known fact that if you is a woman (thats

Dogs

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep. The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep. The poodle and schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around

Island Life

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere... 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman. The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trios." The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming

Sure-Fire Signs There's Trouble on the Job

The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo. The Security guard makes a complete inventory of your work area. Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever." You've got a "It's for you loser" sound when you receive email. Your new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend. The Human Resources Dept requests an update of your arrest record. Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract. You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work. Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster. Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry." The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you.

Top 10 Things NOT To Tell the IRS

A dependant named "Guido" Declare "Depends" as a medical expense after an audit has been ordered. A vibrator as a medical expense. If you are O.J. Simpson, a set of steak knives. Betting that Wayne Gretsky will retire. The money you spend on lottery tickets, because it WILL become your only means of income. Plastic surgery to enhance your "sex appeal" because you are a transvestite. A casket for grandma Jean so you can inherit $100,000.00 even though she's only 50! www.kinky women as sex therapy and the number 1 thing you can't declare on your income tax.....Phone calls you made to the IRS to turn in your uncle Fred for the $10,000 reward!

Top 16 Things To Do In A Driving Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. 2. Rev the car really high, turn to the examiner, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!" 3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one. 4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat. 5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake. 6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch and say "Oops." 7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?" 8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil. 9. Fill your car with beer bottles. 10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs. 11. Tell the registrar that you

The Rules Of Golf

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions: 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena. 2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 3. There shall be no such th