Showing posts from 2012

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"  Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.  I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.  Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym! I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.  I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.  Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again. I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when IĆ¢€™m not in them I will think of a password other than "password"

12 days of christmas

My Dearest Darling John: Whoever in the whole world would dream of getting a real partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 13, 2011 Dearest john: today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 14, 2011 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes December 15, 2011 Dear John: today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? you are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 16, 2011 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden r

If Companies Ran Christmas

If IBM ran Christmas... They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time. If Microsoft ran Christmas... Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks. If Apple ran Christmas... It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of cou

Important Position

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.  In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.  The question was:  A man and a woman are in bed, nude.  The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.  What is the man's name?  After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.  The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."  The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."  The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.  It's either: "Willie T

Childrens sermon

Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children's sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, "May I have all of the children?" As the children walked forward, several parents responded, "Yes." One quick-witted father asked, "For how long?"

Last Time This Happened

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?" Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over th


** The Rosary ** From Groton, MA: My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes." ** Pledge of Allegiance ** Covina, CA: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, OH: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag ... and to the republic for Richard Stands." ** Hymns ** Schenectady, NY: I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear." Lake Forest Park, WA: When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up." ** The Creed ** Tampa, FL: When my


A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." ... The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husban

Types of people on Facebook

1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day. 2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public. 3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything. 4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO r eason 5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.) 6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates. 7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff. 8) The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore. 9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "l

Is windows a virus

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following. 1. Viruses replicate quickly. Windows does this. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Windows does this. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Windows does this. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Windows does that too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Same with Windows, yet again. Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Dear ...

Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it." Just saying... Sincerely, Google Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Sincerely, God Dear Batman, What was your power again? Sincerely, Superman Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish soldiers invaded our country and we got a little busy, OK? Sincerely, The Mayans

CD Player

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal." "In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."

White Coats

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand were chasing her, and a little old man was bringing up the rear.  One of the golfers asked the old man, " What the hell is going on?"  The old guy said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and we attendants are trying to catch her."  The golfer said, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"  The old guy said, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time." 

What Women Want In Men

Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover   Revised List (age 32): 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week   Revised List (age 42): 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with sc

Chemistry Paper

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions

Mother Superior

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little bit more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass. "Mother", the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, 'DON'T SELL THAT COW'!

Mr Gorsky

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.  His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.  But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."  Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.  Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.  On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.  Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.  In 1938 When H

Little Known Chocolate titbits

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet. The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of

Biggest Lies

3 Biggest Software Lies: - The program's fully tested and bugfree. - We're working on the documentation. - Of course we can modify it. 3 Biggest Computer Room Lies: - As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files. - We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door. - The new machines on order. 3 Biggest Large Company Lies: - We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. - People are our greatest resource. - We say 'let the marketplace decide'. 3 Biggest Small Company Lies: - We have an entrepreneurial spirit here. - The boss is just one of the guys. - Staying small is a conscious decision. 3 Biggest Marketing Lies: - Immediate delivery?...No problem. - We treat every customer as if they were our most important. - We're going out to lunch to talk business. 3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies: - Some day this course will come in handy. - These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.

landlord complaints

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters: 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 11. I request permission to remove

men v women (bit sexist)

Man Discovered Colours And Invented PAINT, Woman Discovered PAINT And Invented MAKE-UP. Man Discovered WORDS And Invented CONVERSATION, Woman Discovered CONVERSATION And Invented GOSSIP. Man Discovered Games And Invented PLAYING CARDS, Woman Discovered PLAYING CARDS And Invented TAROT. Man Discovered AGRICULTURE And Invented FOOD, Woman Discovered FOOD And Invented The DIET. Man Discovered EMOTIONS And Invented LOVE, Woman Discovered LOVE And Invented MARRIAGE Man Discovered WOMAN And Invented SEX, Woman Discovered SEX And Invented The HEADACHE. Man Discovered TRADE And Invented MONEY, Woman Discovered MONEY And That Put An End To Everything... 

Classified Ads

These are classified ads, which were placed in U.K. Newspapers:  FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ___________________________________________  FREE PUPPIES  1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. ________________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. _______________________________________________________  COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.  ________________________________________________________  JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer, £100. _____________________________________________________________ WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ___________________________________________________________ And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer ne

A Lesson in listening to the WHOLE STORY

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy as

How to Bathe a Cat

1. Put seat and lid of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and 'rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift the seat and lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog

Women Drivers (sorry bit sexist)

Driving this morning on the M25, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup! It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up thecar using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. Bloody Women Drivers!!!!!!!


An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . . And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There

The Twins

A fellow and his wife in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife, "We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the Pledge of Allegiance." His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We're going to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane." Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth. As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling tricks on people who couldn't tell them apart. Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest in them. He would take one or the other out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with. He decided he would marry one of them, or both