Eugene's Funnies

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine: 1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6. Its best for employers that I not work with people. 7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments. 13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 15. I have become ...

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean) A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.) Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.) An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.) Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!) Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.) Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.) Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.) We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.) Please note and ini...