Eugene's Funnies

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to 3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper." 4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 6. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 7. "Actually I was doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan'(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend." 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?" 9. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 10. "The coffee machine is broke...." 11. "Someone must've put dec...

ALERT** NOTICE***WARNING*** We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details: These are 'genuine' excerpts from the forms. 01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 04. I don't know the identity of the father of my d...

ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." BUG: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. CACHE: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. DESIGN: What you regret not doing later on. DOCUMENTATION: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons. ECONOMIES OF SCALE: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those limitations. HARDWARE: ...

Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!