Eugene's Funnies

Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days 1. Well, aren't we just a ray of @#$%-ing sunshine? 2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 4. Do I look like a @#$%-ing people person? 5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 7. You! Off my planet!! 8. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 9. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. 10. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. 11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. 14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 15. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 17. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 18. I'm just wor...

"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were...

Customer: "Excuse me, do you know where the thingamabobers are?" Employee: "Yea, by the whatchamacallits on aisle 6." Customer: "Do you carry Ink Eradicators? All of the other places do." Employee: "I think so. I saw 'em by the Ink Accelerators on aisle 4." Customer: "Wheres the thin plastic strips with sticky stuff on the back that you stick things to other things with?" Employee: "Hmm... that's a tough one... The closest we have is tape." Customer: "Can you help me find something?" Employee: "Nope! I'm going to stand here and laugh at you a bit more..." Customer: "Excuse me. Do you work here?" Employee: "Oh... Sorry. I just dress up like this five days a week because I like messing with people's minds..." Customer: "Excuse me. Do you look like you work here?" Employee: "(no comment)" Customer: Do you work here? Employee: Only when th...

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. It's only unethical if you get caught. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. We put the "k" in "kwality" If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity! A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?" If at first you don't succeed, try management. At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens. Never quit until you have another job.

You're only lending your soul, not selling it. You won't be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten. Trying on a different personality at each new job site. You don't have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers' weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children's school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts. No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them. You can avoid the internal "war." I once temped at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn't even speak with the other... it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps. Your true Pointy-Haired Boss is usually miles away...and the "customer" PHB can (often) be ignored. Overtime at time and a half! Woo-Hoo! Leaving at 4:30. Eight Words: "It was like that when I got here." You get to hear the words, "Good job" and, 'Please stay...