Eugene's Funnies

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere... 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman. The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trios." The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming...

The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo. The Security guard makes a complete inventory of your work area. Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever." You've got a "It's for you loser" sound when you receive email. Your new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend. The Human Resources Dept requests an update of your arrest record. Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract. You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work. Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster. Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry." The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you.

A dependant named "Guido" Declare "Depends" as a medical expense after an audit has been ordered. A vibrator as a medical expense. If you are O.J. Simpson, a set of steak knives. Betting that Wayne Gretsky will retire. The money you spend on lottery tickets, because it WILL become your only means of income. Plastic surgery to enhance your "sex appeal" because you are a transvestite. A casket for grandma Jean so you can inherit $100,000.00 even though she's only 50! www.kinky women as sex therapy and the number 1 thing you can't declare on your income tax.....Phone calls you made to the IRS to turn in your uncle Fred for the $10,000 reward!

1. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. 2. Rev the car really high, turn to the examiner, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!" 3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one. 4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat. 5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake. 6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch and say "Oops." 7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?" 8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil. 9. Fill your car with beer bottles. 10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs. 11. Tell the registrar that you ...

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions: 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena. 2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 3. There shall be no such th...