Eugene's Funnies

A Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Meaning, Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.  The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Meaning Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.  The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.  They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".  The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,  "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then...

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that s not all..." "Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out." "Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"