Eugene's Funnies

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see  which should be in charge: The brain said, "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I  should be in charge." The eyes said, "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we  are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The hands said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or  move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The stomach said, "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of  you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be  in charge." The legs said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So  I'm the most important and I should be in charge." Then the rectum said, "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said, "YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't do anything! You're not as i...

Real Excuse Notes These are actual excuse notes (original spelling intact) from some of the most unintentionally hilarious parents around: My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (d...

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. Your i...

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"  Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.  I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.  Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym! I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.  I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.  Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again. I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them I will think of a password other than "password"

My Dearest Darling John: Whoever in the whole world would dream of getting a real partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 13, 2011 Dearest john: today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 14, 2011 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes December 15, 2011 Dear John: today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? you are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 16, 2011 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden r...

If IBM ran Christmas... They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time. If Microsoft ran Christmas... Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks. If Apple ran Christmas... It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of cou...

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.  In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.  The question was:  A man and a woman are in bed, nude.  The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.  What is the man's name?  After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.  The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."  The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."  The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.  It's either: "Willi...