Eugene's Funnies

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job." Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!" The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed." Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.. You are currently in 352nd place, and can exp...

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: SHEEP MISSING ALL OVER WORLD Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR! Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 100 YEARS Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE. IBM: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE! N.Y. Post: WHAASSSUP ? Boston Globe: STRONG N.E. WINDS PREDICTED North Korean Central News Agency: AMERICA BLOWS UP WORLD Arizona Republic...

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see  which should be in charge: The brain said, "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I  should be in charge." The eyes said, "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we  are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The hands said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or  move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The stomach said, "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of  you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be  in charge." The legs said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So  I'm the most important and I should be in charge." Then the rectum said, "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said, "YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't do anything! You're not as i...

Real Excuse Notes These are actual excuse notes (original spelling intact) from some of the most unintentionally hilarious parents around: My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (d...

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. Your i...

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"  Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.  I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.  Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym! I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.  I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.  Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again. I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them I will think of a password other than "password"