Eugene's Funnies

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What in the hell is anal glaucoma?" he inquires. "Well, I just can't see my ass coming to work today."

~ I'm going crazy. Wanna come along? ~ I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept. ~ I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. ~ I'm on a new diet. No, I haven't changed my eating habits, ~ I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap. ~ Its label reads, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." ~ I've never had premonitions, but I think that one day I might. ~ If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. ~ If you don't like my driving, just take a different road. (That's why the highway department made so many of them.) ~ Into every life some rain must fall - usually when your car windows are down. ~ IRS: Be audit you can be! ~ Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? ~ It doesn't matter whether you win or lose--until you lose. ~ It was a brave man who ate the first oyster. ~ It's almost impossible to overestimate the unimportance of most things. ~ It's been...