Humourous Thoughts

~ I'm going crazy. Wanna come along?

~ I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.

~ I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

~ I'm on a new diet. No, I haven't changed my eating habits,

~ I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap.

~ Its label reads, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

~ I've never had premonitions, but I think that one day I might.

~ If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

~ If you don't like my driving, just take a different road.
(That's why the highway department made so many of them.)

~ Into every life some rain must fall - usually when your car windows are down.

~ IRS: Be audit you can be!

~ Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

~ It doesn't matter whether you win or lose--until you lose.

~ It was a brave man who ate the first oyster.

~ It's almost impossible to overestimate the unimportance of most things.

~ It's been lovely but I have to scream now.

~ It's not what a teen knows that concerns his parents, it's how he found out.

~ Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where's the ceiling?!"

~ Life is a Lamborghini - It goes too fast, and it costs too much.

~ Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

~ Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

~ Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

~ Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

~ My daughter says I'm nosy. At least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

~ My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

~ Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

~ Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

~ Sign posted in an Army recruiting office: "Marry a veteran, girls! He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders."

~ The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to North Pole. Now Santa Claus is missing.

~ "Time's fun when you're having flies." (Kermit the Frog)