Eugene's Funnies

15) They told me at the blood bank that this might happen. 14) This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to. 13) Whew! Guess I left the top off of the Liquid Paper. 12) I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm. 11) This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people. 10) I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. 9) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice yoga? 8) I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me go to. 7) Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 6) The coffee machine is broken... 5) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot. 4) Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off! 3) Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian ...

Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens his lunch and says, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tuna fish one more time I'm jumping." The other two guys open their lunches and say the same thing. The next day the first guy opens his lunch and says, "Ah, ham and cheese." The next two open their lunches and say, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tunafish one more time I'm going to jump." The third day the first two guys open their lunches and both got their favorite sandwiches. The third guy opens his lunch and says, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. All right, that's it. I'm jumping." So he goes to the edge and jumps off. The other two look on not beliving what just happened. After a while the first guy says, "Gee, that's sad. He actually jumped." The second guy says, "Yeah, the worst part is that he packed his ...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com You turn off your computer and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You start introducing yourself as "Jon at gmail dot com" Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have internet. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You laugh at people with under five MB upload speeds and you laugh even harder at people who don't know what that means. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You tell the cab driver you live at http://75.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode. You start tilting your head si...

Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?" "Sixty cents," said the driver. The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?" "Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."

Paul and his best friend were coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Paul's friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem Can there be greater than this one?'

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.  They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.  Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.  In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen.  T...

The blonde college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who received an A+. This is what she wrote: "Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."