Ali G Driving Tips

"I as been driving since I was 12, but recently me desided to get a real driving lisence. However, when I went for a lesson, this ponce sat in me car and tried to make me drive like a batty man. Don't worrie, I gave im a one inch punch like Bruse Lee, but because of this, I as decided to pass on me driving knowlage to all ya massive for free. Read through me tips and than you is ready for even long trips (like down to McDonnalds). Wicked".

ALI G'S DRIVING TIPS

Tip 1 - Make sure your car is safe. You is gonna lose marks if ya car is a wreck. May I suggest you get an MOT first (me mate Dave will sell ya one for 20 squids - just tell im Ali said). Also, make sure all 8 of ya speakers is workin' at there best (be carefull that the clutch pedel don't damage that 20" bass bin). Tinted windows and UV lights may also win you marks wid de instructer.

Tip 2 - Make sure its safe for you to drive its a well known fact that if you is a woman (thats 1 in 2 people in the UK), you will not be able to drive. Batty men shouldn't drive either.

Tip 3 - Drinking and Driving You should never drink drive (not even if its rainin'). You could 'it a bump an' spill ya drink - Aye. No, me is messin', don't do it.

Tip 4 - Listen for your Instructer If you can hear your instructer shouting at you, then your music aint loud enough you is probably listening to the wrong music, may I suggest Drum and Bass.

Tip 5 - Use the proper equipment When your instructer asks you to start the car, remember that you is supposed to use the proper key, not a screwdriver.

Tip 6 - Changing Gears. This is an important part of drivin' and I hope you is payin' attention. There are two main gears you will use, thats 4 and 5. I suggest using 5th in residental areas, and 4th if you is driving on a field or somthin'.

Tip 7 - Breaking and Corners Breaking and corners 'ave alot in common. You need to be usin' the handbreak for both.

Tip 8 - Correct Signaling Remember that the horn and headlights aint just for gettin' the attention of that bitch wid de short skirt. They is best used to cuss other drivers if they is goin' too slow (ie 90 mph).

Tip 9 - Advanced warning signs and Speed limits. I aint sure what these things are. You can make about £30 stealing them though. AYE!

Tip 10 - Dat's it, you is now a safe driver. You will be able to spend hours sat in the carpark at MFI wid da Drum and Bass pumpin out.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

JOB DESCRIPTION FOR MUMS:

Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!&quo
Read more

10 reasons why a dog doesn`t use a computer!

T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It`s hard to type with paws) 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. Carpal Paw Syndrome. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you`ve got mail'. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits. Fetch command not available on all platforms. Can`t stick his head out of Windows 98.
Read more

Bathroom Scale

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that s not all..." "Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out." "Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"
Read more