Eugene's Funnies

Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen? I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! If I bend over, will I still get a ticket? No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece. Want to race to the station, Sparky? I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! On the way to the station let's get a six pack. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo! Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! No, YOU assume the position.

T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It`s hard to type with paws) 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. Carpal Paw Syndrome. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you`ve got mail'. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits. Fetch command not available on all platforms. Can`t stick his head out of Windows 98.

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside! Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins. Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed & a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets." When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays." The church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too." Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one! A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed." People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. God so loved the world that he did no...

Discovering one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Levine stopped to gently scold the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

These are actual news stories from 1992, compiled by Bill Mandel of the San Francisco Examiner: A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window. One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million Lotto winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state. A women in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for putting her garbage cans out too early. A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw macaroni salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire. At the hospital, the wounded bride insisted on checking in under her new married name. An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed, was not calling enough fouls against the visiting team. Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several cars taken in for brake repair cam...