Eugene's Funnies

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. Who me? I just wander from room to room. It might look li...

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or Boyfriend along shopping This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford : Dear Mrs. Murray, Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is Considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your Husband stops his antics. Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our Surveillance cameras: 1. June 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's Trolleys when they weren't looking. 2. July 2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute Intervals. 3. July 7th: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine Products aisle. 4. July 19th: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened. 5. August 14th: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FL...

This s a story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself. BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber co...

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY * SICKNESS No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. * AN OPERATION We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. * DEATH 1. Other than your own, this is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your ...

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"