Eugene's Funnies

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"  Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.  I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.  Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym! I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.  I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.  Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again. I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them I will think of a password other than "password"

My Dearest Darling John: Whoever in the whole world would dream of getting a real partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 13, 2011 Dearest john: today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 14, 2011 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes December 15, 2011 Dear John: today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? you are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 16, 2011 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden r...

If IBM ran Christmas... They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time. If Microsoft ran Christmas... Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks. If Apple ran Christmas... It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of cou...

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.  In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.  The question was:  A man and a woman are in bed, nude.  The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.  What is the man's name?  After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.  The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."  The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."  The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.  It's either: "Willi...

Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children's sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, "May I have all of the children?" As the children walked forward, several parents responded, "Yes." One quick-witted father asked, "For how long?"

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?" Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over th...

** The Rosary ** From Groton, MA: My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes." ** Pledge of Allegiance ** Covina, CA: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, OH: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag ... and to the republic for Richard Stands." ** Hymns ** Schenectady, NY: I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear." Lake Forest Park, WA: When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up." ** The Creed ** Tampa, FL: When my ...