Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go aheadand give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor andmodel for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waitingfor me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancingeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watchingthe skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after myworkout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was alreadyaching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is goingto be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the airthen she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on thetreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made itall worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on thecounter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have ahernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try tosteer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered otherclub members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in themorning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on thestair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate anactivity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would helpme get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as herthin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help beinga half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, Iran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated anyother human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could movewithout unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! Andif you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells oranything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutritionteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coachor the choir director?

SATURDAY:Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrillyvoice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice mademe want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked thestrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straighthours of the Weather Channel

SUNDAY:I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go andthank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year mydaughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- likea root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bendover, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Send this to a friend who needs to laugh. We all need a good laugh.

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