Humourous Thoughts

~ A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

~ All general statements are false, except this one.

~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.

~ An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.

~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I'm going to choke it.

~ Bad decisions make good stories.

~ Bald spot? No, that's a solar panel for brain power.

~ Beware of the letter 'G'! It is the end of everything!

~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?

~ By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them.

~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

~ Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worth it.

~ Diagnostic: Someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

~ Don't you hate it when people can't sphel?

~ End procrastination ... tomorrow!

~ Every time I hear that dirty word, "exercise," I wash out my mouth with chocolate.

~ Goofing off is exhausting -- there's no way to take a break.

~ Having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

~ How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

~ How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income?

~ I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.

~ I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)

~ I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, "Help! Help!"

~ I know where I am. I've been lost here before.

~ I passed another picket line. One of the signs said "Down with repetition!" So did the next one. And the next one, and the next one...

~ I saw a group of mimes walking a picket line. Their placards were blank.

~ I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it's procrastination.

~ I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

~ I'll take "Sleep" for $1000 please, Alex.

~ If all else fails, stop using all else.

~ If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father

~ If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing much at 20.

~ It must be tough going through life with a short - hey look, there goes a butterfly!

~ Mapquest and Google Maps need to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

~ Military men should make ideal husbands -- they're in good health, they can cook, sew, and make beds, and they're already accustomed to taking orders.

~ My wife knows just how to motivate me. She'll say, "Do you want to do the dishes tonight, dear, or would you rather have a live weasel stapled to your thigh?"

~ Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

~ Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick.

~ She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.

~ Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit.

~ Sooner or later, everybody gets old, right? I vote for later.

~ Spring allergies and a full-face motorcycle helmet are not a pleasant combination.

~ The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.

~ The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

~ The economy has gotten so bad that yesterday I received in the mail a pre-declined credit card application.

~ The first rule of holes: If you're in one, stop digging.

~ The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.

~ The late worm misses the early bird.

~ The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can't stand you away from the folks who are undecided.

~ There's nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table.

~ To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.

~ To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.

~ To succeed in life, you need three things: A wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.

~ Was learning cursive really necessary?

~ What disease did cured ham actually have?

~ Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

~ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

~ Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.

~ Yesterday I lost all self-control, but I found it today. It was under the couch.

~ You know you're getting old when you wonder what you'd feel like if you weren't taking vitamins.

~ You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.