Eugene's Funnies

A fellow and his wife in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife, "We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the Pledge of Allegiance." His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We're going to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane." Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth. As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling tricks on people who couldn't tell them apart. Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest in them. He would take one or the other out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with. He decided he would marry one of them, or both...

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym. 2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do. 3. The process becomes more important than the product. 4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards. 5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about. 6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there. 7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office. 8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled. 9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them. 10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money. ...

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. “Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.” “Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you.”

15) They told me at the blood bank that this might happen. 14) This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to. 13) Whew! Guess I left the top off of the Liquid Paper. 12) I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm. 11) This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people. 10) I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. 9) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice yoga? 8) I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me go to. 7) Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 6) The coffee machine is broken... 5) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot. 4) Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off! 3) Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian ...

Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens his lunch and says, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tuna fish one more time I'm jumping." The other two guys open their lunches and say the same thing. The next day the first guy opens his lunch and says, "Ah, ham and cheese." The next two open their lunches and say, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tunafish one more time I'm going to jump." The third day the first two guys open their lunches and both got their favorite sandwiches. The third guy opens his lunch and says, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. All right, that's it. I'm jumping." So he goes to the edge and jumps off. The other two look on not beliving what just happened. After a while the first guy says, "Gee, that's sad. He actually jumped." The second guy says, "Yeah, the worst part is that he packed his ...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com You turn off your computer and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You start introducing yourself as "Jon at gmail dot com" Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have internet. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You laugh at people with under five MB upload speeds and you laugh even harder at people who don't know what that means. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You tell the cab driver you live at http://75.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode. You start tilting your head si...