Office Toilet Policy

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established which will
provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring
effective time management and equal treatment for all.

On the first day of every month, all staff members will be issued
twenty toilet trip tickets which may be accumulated.

All toilet doors will be equipped with computer-linked voice
recognition devices. All staff must immediately provide management with
two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress.

Once an employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the toilet doors will
not unlock for the employee's voice until the 1st of the month.

Additionally, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll
extractors. Should the toilet be occupied for more than three minutes,
an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will
retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will
automatically open.

If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a
security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Any staff
member appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip
credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo
counselling by a clinical psychologist.

Please be advised that workman's compensation insurance does not cover
any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting
into the dispenser.

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