Eugene's Funnies

On the 12th day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me Twelve freaks I'm blocking, Eleven friends just lurking, Ten corny topics, Nine busted friendships Eight friends complaining, Seven stalkers stalking Six party invites, Fiiiiive Drama Queeeeens, Four game requests, Three photo tags, Two friends-a-pokin' And the sponsored ads in the sidebar!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL ARE WELCOME Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each class will accept a maximum of eight participants. The classes cover two days, and topics covered include: DAY ONE HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS Step-by-step guide with slide presentation TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Round table discussion DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics) DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among a panel of experts. REMOTE CONTROL Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum DAY TWO EMPTY MILK CARTONS - DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role play HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation R...

1. For your convenience, all words have been placed in alphabetical order. So merely open book to page where the word you wish to look up should be 2. If you don't know how to spell the word you wish to look up, look up a synonym and hope the definition contains the word you wish to look up. 3. If you don't know what a synonym is, look up the word "synonym," since we just showed you how to spell that one. 4. Now,repeat Step 2 before repeating Step 1. 5. If the word you originally wished to look up is found to mean something entirely different than you thought it did, then your problem is insuperable. 6. Look up "insuperable."

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves." A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain. I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the ...

Monday Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth. Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox. Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox. Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw. Tuesday Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw. Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. Dinner -Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's. Wednesday Breakfast - Stomach couldn't handle breakfast after a night at El Flasho's. Lunch - Rolaids and a coke. Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps. T...

Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was asto...

There was a little old lady, who every morning, stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!" One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!" Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord! The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!" The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD...