Eugene's Funnies

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What in the hell is anal glaucoma?" he inquires. "Well, I just can't see my ass coming to work today."

~ I'm going crazy. Wanna come along? ~ I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept. ~ I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. ~ I'm on a new diet. No, I haven't changed my eating habits, ~ I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap. ~ Its label reads, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." ~ I've never had premonitions, but I think that one day I might. ~ If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. ~ If you don't like my driving, just take a different road. (That's why the highway department made so many of them.) ~ Into every life some rain must fall - usually when your car windows are down. ~ IRS: Be audit you can be! ~ Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? ~ It doesn't matter whether you win or lose--until you lose. ~ It was a brave man who ate the first oyster. ~ It's almost impossible to overestimate the unimportance of most things. ~ It's been...

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go aheadand give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor andmodel for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY:Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waitingfor me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancingeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watchingthe skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after myworkout toda...

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. 15. A calendar's days are numbered. 16. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 17. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 18. The short fortune t...

~ you've removed the power button from the remote. ~ you know the names of the top 10 lawn bowlers. - you recite the lines word for word with the actors on TV Land. ~ you start recording soap operas so you don't miss any of the plot. ~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is "shh, be quiet!" ~ commercials become more important than going to the bathroom. ~ you start recognizing extras in movies. ~ you continue to watch TV when the cable goes out. ~ you enjoy other climates by watching the snow on TV. ~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters. ~ your monthly cable/satellite bill is larger than your house payment. ~ you send fan mail to infomercial stars.

If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly. If it clanks, call the repairman. If it whistles, ignore it. If it is a friend, take a break. If it is the boss, look busy. If it talks, take notes. If it is handwritten, type it. If it is typed, copy it. If it is copied, file it. If it is Friday, forget it!