Eugene's Funnies

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: - "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." - "She used an iPod and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." - "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." - "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." - "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded...

WIFE'S DIARY: Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, w...

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Morris, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much!"

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established which will provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff members will be issued twenty toilet trip tickets which may be accumulated. All toilet doors will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. All staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once an employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the toilet doors will not unlock for the employee's voice until the 1st of the month. Additionally, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. Should the toilet be occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will automatically open. If the toilet remains occupied, ...

1. Don't ever give me work in the morning. Always wait until at least 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes or so to inquire how it's going. That really does help. Better yet, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without letting anyone know where you're going. It gives me the opportunity to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training should I ever be injured and lose all of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't specify which is priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere else to go or anything else to do. I have no life beyond work. 7...

PROFESSION........................NAME Lawyer's daughter.................Sue Thief's son.......................Rob Lawyer's son......................Will Doctor 's son.....................Bill Meteorologist's daughter..........Haley Steam shovel operator's son.......Doug Hair stylist's son................Bob Homeopathic doctor's son..........Herb Justice of the peace's daughter...Mary Sound stage technician's son......Mike Hot-dog vendor's son..............Frank Gambler's daughter................Bette Exercise guru's son...............Jim Cattle thief's son................Russell Painter's son.....................Art Iron worker's son.................Rusty TV show star's daughter...........Emmy Movie star's son..................Oscar Barber's son......................Harry Housewife's son ..................Dusty Minister's daughter ..............Faith Day-trader's daughter ...

"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works." "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?" "I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELS...